I was on a plane back to the UK and I felt disconnected. There were many trains of thought moving through my head and I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling. So I wrote down everything coming to my mind: “plane thoughts”. The whole piece is discombobulated, but I know it means something.
There is so much going on in life, so lately I’ve had a lot to think about and process inside. Some things aren’t working out, and the things that are working out seem so small in comparison to the mountains I still have to climb.
I’m happy with the friends I have but I still want to make more connections. I like the idea of my desired career but I feel like it won’t be enough sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like I just won’t make it.
When the people around you can hardly hold themselves up, it’s hard to remain optimistic. I often wonder how long these in-between feelings will last. I hope that one day I will feel content, and that that feeling of contentment will stay forever. I don’t like feelings and emotions that I can’t trust. I really want some stability, and I want to feel like I truly belong somewhere, because sometimes I find it hard to see where I fit in. I’m proud of the fact that I’m a mixture of genres, and I’d like to be difficult to categorise. It’s a nice thing in theory, however sometimes it excludes me. I feel like too many aspects of my personality are far from each other. So I struggle to hold myself down.
It’s close to an existential crisis; they aren’t exclusive to middle age.
I don’t like being more confident when I’m alone than when I’m around others. I don’t like forgetting my worth when I see someone that wears theirs on their sleeve – I have sleeves too. What is stopping me from wearing mine so proudly?
Despite these thoughts, I know to never forget that I am the way I am for a reason. Of course, there is a lot I need to improve about myself. But I’m talking about personality traits that are exclusive to me: things that are neither good nor bad, but just me. I’m like that for a reason.
God made me that way and he loves me that way. I have to remind myself that this is enough, and it will always be enough. I don’t need to be noticed by certain people or a certain amount of people to be special. And, I don’t need to be told that I’m amazing to believe it.
It’s good to regularly evaluate yourself. And in all honesty, sometimes you really aren’t moving. But it doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge how far you’ve come, and the value you hold regardless. It’s really just a journey; journeys have stops too. But after a while, they head off again and their worth is unchanged. It’s the same here.