“all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up… This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.“
The way the past makes me feel has changed a lot over time. Many things I regretted and hated myself for no longer stir up those same emotions inside me. Now, I feel more gratitude, relief, happiness…
Hindsight is a blessing, a beautiful thing. It’s taught me to trust every process that I go through because I may eventually understand why they happened, and realise that it was best for them to have gone the way they did.
I want you to have this perspective too, if you don’t. Bear with me as I give an example.
Parts of my primary school went under reconstruction when I was in year 6. Although summer came before the work was complete, I found myself watching the builders during playtime, so intrigued by their work and how they brought the structure to life. By year 8, this obsession with buildings transformed into a love for architecture. I got so excited at the sight of skyscrapers in Canary wharf, beautifully designed homes on Grand Designs, and renovations on Homes Under The Hammer. I’d decided to become an architect!
But fast forward to sixth form, my love for the career faded away as I constantly failed the subjects that I needed for an architecture undergrad. Besides that, I had no portfolio of work for my applications because I was and still am terrible at drawing (lol); it never excited me. Though I was in denial about it for a while, I finally accepted that my dream was no longer adding up; it wasn’t true to me anymore.
On the phone to a few universities during year 12 exam season, I was reminded that besides 3 A’s, I need a portfolio of my work to gain admission to an architecture course. I looked over at my bed, knowing that I didn’t have what they were asking for – questioning the genuineness of what I’d hoped towards for so long.
Yet on that very bed sat a notebook that I’d been writing in for a while. It held thoughts, flash fiction, and ideas for novels and writing that I wanted to develop. Like an epiphany, it came to me that I’d been working on my portfolio all along – just for the wrong subject. Later that day, I decided to study English literature at university, and soon after I made it a joint honours with creative writing. That was May 2016. In July 2020, I graduated with a 1st in English with Creative Writing.
What’s my point? (TLDR)
The focus of this story is not the outcome, but the process I went through to get there. The day I made those phone calls, I was anxious. It felt like I had been setting myself up to fail all this time, and this was the finale. Unable to see how my life was going to get better from that point onwards, the situation felt bigger than me and I was beating myself up for not realising my truth earlier.
But too often we forget that life plans to work itself out in its own timing, and we should have faith in this fact. If I could, I would tell my 16-year-old self that my life is not over because I changed my mind about my career path. I’d also add that this process is worth trusting. Realising and accepting my love for writing and absence of such for architecture that day steered me down the correct path at the exact time it was supposed to.
Perceiving ups and downs
I refer to this time in my life because it reminds me that all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up – and it did feel that way. This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.
No story is without ups and downs. And when we retell them, we speak about the downs knowing that things worked out eventually. Even if they didn’t, they are part of a bigger story that we haven’t finished writing yet.
The value of hindsight
You should trust every process, failure, success, misunderstanding, miscalculation, mistake, the lot, at any stage you encounter them. Believe that they are part of a longer story that is yet to be complete. Zoom out and consider what this could mean in the bigger picture: something beautiful and worthwhile!
It’s time to use hindsight to our advantage when we are in the thick of turmoil. If we know that things can turn out okay in the end because hindsight has taught us so with our past experiences, we can use this knowledge to calm ourselves in the midst of the storm.
We can use it to our advantage and trust every process from now on, believing that things are working out the way that they should; they have done so in the past, and we must have faith that they will continue like this.
Try to accept uncertain times as pivotal segments of your story. I believe that this mindset helps to calm anxiety and fear in moments of overwhelm, reminding us that trusting all processes is the key we need to hold on tight and live through them, fearlessly.
Until next time!