In truth there is no clearer way for me to express how lost I feel sometimes, than describing my current situation with a metaphor that doesn’t pin down a single understanding of what I am going through.
I write this under stress and pressure.
My last blog post, On half-developed thoughts, was a struggle to write. Unsurprisingly, it’s hard to focus on non-academic things in the middle of academics. Growing up, education was everything to me, and anything that I perceived as a threat to my grades was hastily avoided.
Over time, I’ve learnt how to balance it all. But this course has made me regress in a way I did not expect. However I am aware that what I label as regression in this moment may eventually turn out to be adjacent to growth, somehow.
In On half-developed thoughts, I was recording the beginning of a mental unravel. Since then I have been building new systems for productivity, and developing avenues of thought to help me adjust to what life currently requires (things that I have never experienced before).
I was concerned with not fully developing thoughts because developing them is what anchors me. I am obsessed with figuring out and understanding myself, so when I was robbed of the time I needed to do that, I felt like I was falling apart.
Now I am telling myself that that was not me falling apart, but in fact old parts of myself falling away.
New clay is being added in their place and a new self is being moulded in the process.
It has become easier to describe my life with metaphors and that’s because I don’t know what is going on. I like metaphors because they are vagueness and uncertainty disguised as the beautiful and abstract. In truth there is no clearer way for me to express how lost I feel sometimes, than describing my current situation with a metaphor that doesn’t pin down a single understanding of what I am going through.
I’m filming content for a YouTube video that I’d like to upload when my course is over. Hopefully, it well-documents the past six months. In the video, I hope to insert readings of the blog posts I will be writing in the upcoming weeks.
Some will say that I am back and some would not have noticed at all. But here I am.
Stay tuned for Postponing my pleasures.