I sat down and considered that maybe there wasn’t too much going on. Maybe I was lost in the ripples and waves miles away from where the rock hit the water. Thoughts relating to what I had to do mixed with immediate responsibilities and couldn’t see things as clearly as I wanted to. Either that, or I just coudn’t handle the heat like other people. It would be a sad realisation to come to… finding that you’re weaker than others. At the same time, I had told myself and that being strong was overrated. I was weak. In God I found my strength. But I couldn’t extricate that from my definition of a cop-out.
This alone shows how lost I get in these waves.
How do you stay grounded? Does anyone ever remain focused? How do you put your head down for two hours without worrying that you may not make it to the end, distraction-free? How do you shut off that overwhelm of emotion? It distracts me. I could link it to my cycles, the things I’ve learnt to accept as part of who I am as Adefela. But I found that in delving into myself through a pen for years and years, I’m unable to swim up from the depths of wondering. I used to feel two centimetres above the ground but now I just want to breathe fresh air again.
The deep blue sea can be so beautiful yet so dark. And after a while the sun stops cutting though those waves. I can sink further into the unknown, past liminal spaces and straight into that unexplored 90%. There, I’m faced with creatures I didn’t even know existed. I couldn’t describe to you what they looked like, I would struggle just as much to explain the colour red to someone who has never seen before.
How do you come up for air? What creatures of thought do you face? I will never be able to picture them fully because I know they are exclusive to you. But I’m with you in understanding that they can be so scary and unrecognisable in comparison to the problems you escaped at the foot of the shore.