How close am I

How close am I to the jazz lounge
I’ve only ever seen it in my dreams
In the same way that I see him
When I close my eyes at night

When writing poems in the pages of novels
Peering out of windows from behind 3 monitors
All it takes is some jazz and rain
And I begin to wonder
If this is it

Surely there’s somewhere else I belong
Where I can slide into my dreams with ease

I wonder how long I can keep up this gag
Until the desire to express overtakes me
And I’ve no choice but to succumb.

At that point I’d be a slave to emotion
Incapable of turning my mind off
Losing myself in thought
Convincing others that it’s not a good thing

But proximity won’t let up
Because time only moves forward
And I know one day I’ll arrive,
The jazz lounge of my dreams

how 2 be hurt

Open yourself up
even though that’s hard
find someone who
makes you believe
they want to see that side of you
that they can take it

allow them to be closed off to you
and stay down when
they throw you away
and tell you it was a
misunderstanding

think about them
for months afterwards

let them back in
when they knock again

repeat.

(good luck)

Poetry book loading…

Something exciting is on the way.. stay tuned for my poetry book! It’s been years in the making and I didn’t even know. I’m so excited. This Friday, we’ll welcome the old and the new with intention. It will be the end of an emotional (and beautiful) labour. 🤎

25.02.22 – Now available: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09TDRL8KL/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=3SV0DRR3DU7LB&keywords=you+can+change+your+mind.&qid=1645785169&sprefix=%2Caps%2C213&sr=8-5

To be known

I don’t want to be realised
I want to be known from the beginning,
Fully understood and accepted
By those who want what’s beneath the surface

Hoax

Through tears I persist to envision this beautiful world
While holding onto lyrics for dear life
and wondering why it’s taken so long for me to cry
I’m the straw that broke my own back.
I always knew strength was a hoax
though weakness isn’t desirable either
Now I don’t know what I see
for mediocrity
is proving to be
the death of me

Wax poetic

I won’t stop myself from writing about you,
even if it’s just for me.
To wax poetic is the last thing
I’ll let you take from me

I’ll explore this.

I’m open to opening up again
but only when it’s time

Next time I won’t underestimate myself
I’ll keep guard of my heart
and never let it down
I’ll never let myself down.

But thanks for showing me
there is some warmth I hold inside,
A fuzzy excitement when my phone rings
after I finally save your number

Or a good morning text
that I never hoped to see until now
A how was your day
as we share mundane details

You’ve shown me I can want it again
Though I wish it could be between us
I see for the best, it shouldn’t be

And that’s okay with me.

This boundary is for the good of us both.
Access denied to Mr Unintentional,
thanks for your company.

You asked me twice if I love myself
To which I replied yes
So you should’ve expected me to say
let’s not do this again

And if you didn’t
I guess you were never really listening,
it was one of my reservations after all.

Today was hard because I wanted to hear & see you
But deprived of that,
I see what I do need;
a firm separation from you.

I rushed that.

Let’s just say,
I pray for strength ‘when’ you call me again
may my memory never fade
and my self-certainty remain
and remind me to never give you another chance
no matter what my heart says

Maybe I’m just tired

My head’s been hot for so long
and I’ve been waiting for the cold to seep in
But now that it’s here I’m reminded
of what I ran away from.

I’ve spent so long running from what I could feel
that running is what I feel to run from too…

But maybe I’m just tired.

Oh what if the sun is down when I wake up
And the blinds are too low
And I don’t want to move
And I think of all my affections…

Maybe I’m just scared.

but I don’t know how to fight this fear
even with God on my side

I should be honest with myself.

I fear the emptiness I’ve been running from
has been inside me all along
The base feelings I’ve been taking about
and the Malibu at the bottom of my cup

I’ve just been distracting myself
from who I really am
and that’s quite hard to deal with…

But maybe I’m just tired.

When will I cry

This song is pulling the pain out of my heart
a mass of incompletion yearning for expression
from a source that could not provide
But since bodies float to the surface when there’s no life left
I guess my ocean wasn’t so deep after all
I’ll be like Ophelia in the water
petals and leaves floating around me
As rhythm expresses what I had inside all along
It was the weight of my mind
fooling me into thinking I could never rise
Now it’s the beat of my heart,
fighting to be realised
It pushes me up a final time after I pass away, singing
To be victorious I must find glory in the little things, father take all the fears and sorrow from my life
And it plays through the waves
Lifting what’s left of me back to the shore, where I should have been all along
Music is helping my heart to sing
And it’s telling me that I’m not dead yet
I still have inside of me the ability to live
Because my heart never stopped beating
or searching for a vessel to express all it was carrying
Once again I am indebted to it
Thank you for keeping me alive
when I thought I was dead and gone

Where did this start?