words I wrote a year ago
turned up again
focusing on my shortcomings
it seems I never let them go
So I’ll stop searching for progress
Since I never find I’m better
As it resonates year by year,
same old story, record and player
They’re gathering dust
that I mistook for glitter
and I’m frustrated by phrases inside that I can’t force into verse
some things enter the mind in silent beauty
and fail to come out the same
I’m frustrated by living solo
that’s happening more lately
as windows provide a live feed of the world passing me by
on trains I never board
Frustration: my dreams.
I’ve maintained my ambition and changed my perspective
that’s a pivot
and it’s all I have to say
frustrated by strange new addictions picked up on the road,
brand-new habits I desire and fail to implement,
never pushing them past the deep down
They should take up the space I prefer.
I thought I got my space back a year ago
but somehow nothing else has moved in
now that space reminds me of the same old tenants.
draw a line under it
your pain, failures and defeats
even if your wrist hurts
and your arms are tired
lift them however you can
and start Anew
I’ve been staring at old photos of myself
denying narcissism and self-obsession,
convinced there’s something behind that fixation
this nostalgia isn’t going anywhere,
so I suppose things aren’t getting better…
I’ve been staring at old photos for years.
it’s May and it’s still raining
how did February 23rd feel more hopeful than this?
dare I take back the hope I professed
when I asked if You made it through winter?
this is more than days melting into each other
it’s remembering that there’s no such thing as a day
and you’re the only thing that gives life meaning
you have to infuse life with it,
like a damned robinsons mini summer fruit
and you have to watch colour float around mundane life,
so slowly that you begin to wonder if it will ever change completely
I remember that troubles don’t last
but some battles seem so bleak.
I know that time has no choice in its passing
but why does it move so slow?
I have spent just as much time looking forward to-,
as I have looking back
you can guess which feels more tangible than the other
did you sleep through what you thought was winter
with 2 blankets
only to open your eyes and find
that it was still dark,
causing you to roll over
and stay in bed for longer?
But then realising that troubles don’t last,
did you wake up one day
to the sun shining outside,
onto dry pavements
Has it happened yet,
that you feel optimistic
for the year ahead
despite the chaos all around
and uncertainty of each moment?
Among it all,
is joy filling your heart
slowly but surely from the bottom up,
lovingly deciding to stick around
until the end of year celebrations?
Have you yet recognised
the power to achieve anything you desire
as the thing that you carried in your arms
day and night
throughout this season
as the dark sky overpowered
the presence of light in your life?
Are you now seeing what is confirmed
as hope at the end of your tunnel?
They said things are looking up
and it’s the first time
you’ve felt that in months
now it’s real
You made it through winter
whether you dragged, drugged, persuaded or willed
yourself to do it
in the face of all your tribulations
You did it
and you will do it again,
just like you always have.
After realising you
We sit together for a while
You, a truth I’d hate to accept
And I, the one who needs you the most
While my gut, the one who is deep inside
Says there’s something about you
That doesn’t sit right
I can’t put my finger on it.
what is it about Tomorrow?
so full of hope and promise
Tomorrow that keeps me going
because life will be clearer then
Tomorrow i’ll turn on all the lights
and film myself dancing
because i’ll be up to it,
in a better mood, better
i will go for a walk
because i could use the fresh air
and i will feel inspired
to start something new
but when Tomorrow comes around
nothing changes but the hours
this old bed is still so low
and my inspiration is still so far
Tomorrow, a day away,
is truly further than that
so far that it isn’t real
so i wonder when i will feel better
and have the strength to do what i desire
since Tomorrow is an empty promise
that never comes around
I give my dying passions a warm goodbye,
Thank you for helping me.
They are loves I’m no longer fixated on,
unfinished stories with pens drying beside them
and movements I grew away from
In leaving them all I forged an extension of myself:
– an incomplete project is still worth commendation
for at one point it kept me company
and that’s all there is to it
I’m no longer frustrated at what I stopped doing,
lost interest in,
For my heart knows when it meant a lack of effort
and that is a different story
But to the things that faded away with time,
I appreciate what you did for me.
And I look forward to what I’ll embrace in the future
While holding tight to my current loves
as if I’ll never let them go.
I cannot write what I do not feel
But there’s something about you,
Whoever you are,
That keeps my attention.
You’re the kind of thing I’d wake from;
Too good to be true
Yet true in a realm somewhere,
Dwelling between awake and eternally away.
If we were to ever meet
That’s what I’d say to you –
I pray you’d be worthy of such praise
And that you’d live up
To the standards I am building,
Be the dream I want to remain in forever
And replace those that leave me
Fearful and confused in the morning.
I wish I could retain clearly all the things I’ve learnt.
Perhaps then I could make a change
or inspire butterflies to flap their wings.
I wish I could articulate
my perception of this world
without the blame game getting involved
But that’s not how it works.
I must accept that change may not happen in my lifetime,
that I may be the tiniest cog in the works,
making very little impact despite my efforts.
Do you ever put yourself in that position?
Is that which is inside of you truly stronger than the system you dwell within?
What about here, there, and everywhere?
And the things we’re not meant to forget?
Who will transfuse blood back into Congo,
and who will maintain the victory of Bolivia?
Who will end SARS for good,
and who will deliver Guinea?
What strength do you sense in your voice?
be true to yourself in answering.
Does there exist inside of you,
a pressure to do more than you currently are?
Do you want to move away
or are you yet to realise
that running is a crime in itself?
Do you recognise the boat we’re all in –
waterlogged wood with holes everywhere and a paddle that just snapped,
slowly sinking in the sea of power-hungry people, force, and genocide?
Have you opened your eyes and touched base with yourself yet?
Do you think you could confront the worst and contribute towards that change?