I’m new to this

I will also never stop believing that my living right now is a testament for my future

***

I made this blog in 2016 and the home page has had the same message since the day I wrote it, which tells me that my intentions for this platform remain true to 16-year-old Adefela.

However, lately I have been inconsistent because I am trying to figure out how to run a blog in the way that I believe it should be run. I aim to be consistent and honest with myself, as I sort out my current fixations.

This post is categorised as ‘Weekly posts’ because that’s what I’ve planned to do; whether I have nobody reading the posts or I receive 100 views per post, it’s important to stick to what I have decided to do.

Last week I posted nothing because I didn’t make it a priority and I already felt like there was nothing to say. That’s also how I’ve felt this week, hence the post up to this point being a load of waffle.

Despite this, there is one thing I am learning (and have been learning for some time now):

Discipline trumps motivation.

It always has and it always will. I need to get into the habit of training myself to do what is best for me even when I don’t feel like it. Yes, I must be careful to not turn myself into a machine. But I must also be sure to add value to myself on the days when all I feel like doing is nothing.

I want to exercise because it’s good for me, not because I feel like it. I want to read my Bible daily because it strengthens my relationship with God, not because Religion has told me to do so. I want to contribute to a good future because that’s the only certainty I have right now, not because I have a fear of failure.

I am new to self-induced schedules like publishing a blog post and a picture every week. But my life needs structure and I don’t have an education system to give that to me anymore. It’s tough having to do things like that in the midst of a pandemic but that’s something I’m going to have to get over and make small in my eyes.

I will never stop believing that it’s okay to have off days, weeks, months…

But at the same time, I will also never stop believing that my living right now is a testament for my future, and I need to utilise my living breath to make the most of the idea of reaping every single thing that I sow.  

I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

***

I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

I accept this with a light heart but I mean every word that I write.

I do not know, and I have no idea what I am doing. Perhaps it’s hard to believe that I’m purely existing right now, but it’s closer to the truth than anything else I have to say.

I started nursery at the age of 3, then headed to reception, primary school, secondary school and sixth form, then university. Now I am here. Back in my house in Dagenham, after 17 years of education and obligation.

I have learnt and gained a lot and now it’s time for me to put it all into practice. However my desire to do nothing is far more compelling than that to show the world the skills have developed during my time in education, where I followed the rules and did what I was told because children and teenagers can’t think for themselves, not really.

And deep down I always knew that I’d reach a point where I lacked clarity and had little to say when people asked me what my next step is. Sometimes I’m okay with that being my reality and sometimes I am not. That’s the overall tone of life – “sometimes I’m _____ and sometimes I’m not”.

Last week I wrote down all of my names and what I want to be called in the future. For the first time I was able to really distil what I have always been (my names) and what I would like to be (career-wise). It’s the closest those words have ever been to each other and it was a wakeup call that perhaps, I am more decided than I presumed.

I’ll do it again here:

Adefela, Eniola, Ifeoluwasimi, Lois, Eyidayomi, Olowoselu.

Journalist, poet, screenwriter, author.

That’s who I’ve been, who I am trying to be and who I will be in the future.

In light of not knowing what I am doing with my life right now, these names and words act as an anchor and provide me with the security that there is still a purpose for my life. You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

I have no problem with not knowing what I am up to, and being unsettled in the fact that a lot of my future seems to rely on me having good ideas and recognising if and when they come.

As it stands, I am currently living life as an individual in society. That sounds jobless and abstract and I’m not ashamed to say that perhaps it’s just that. Obligation-free, I have faith that my future is just something I don’t have the full blueprint for just yet, and that’s okay with me.